I wrote my first blog, “Coming out of MY closet Part One,”; now, I have decided to complete part 2 on my healing process. My blog started my feeling free to discuss my mental health, dealing with depression and anxiety, and It was not easy. It was a brief story, and I chose not to go into the healing process at that time. I wanted to put it out there, to face my fears and conquer them.
I wanted to be comfortable and free in sharing the fight and struggles that people with mental illness face every day of their lives. It was hard at first because I’d dealt with depression for many years, and the anxiety came later. My way of dealing with it was by not dealing with it for some time.
It’s been quite a few years since I was first diagnosed with manic depression; I started therapy and taking meds. I continued with that combination for about a year, and I felt that it wore off, or maybe the meds were not the right one, or perhaps I didn’t click with that therapist?
It was just a matter of finding out what worked for me, so there were several years of seeking help, and there were years when I didn’t; it was a back and forth thing trying to find the proper medication that worked for me, trying to find the right therapist and sometimes nothing worked.
I know that I would need to pay close attention to how I felt when taking the meds. I needed to allow it to work; I tried taking it before going to bed; I wanted to see if it would make a difference in how, but it did not change.
When I became pregnant with both my children, I was afraid to medicate; I did hesitantly for the first trimester, and then I discontinued taking the meds for fear of my babies being born with a defect. I battled depression while pregnant, and after giving birth, I was fighting postpartum. Everything became magnified. I looked at my beautiful babies, needing me, wanting me; they were my motivator. I was sad, everything was dark, but I had to pull myself up, even if it was temporary; I had to pull myself up.
It got to the point of me having a purse full of medication that did not help me, so I found myself going deeper and deeper into this darkness; it felt like I was drowning, and I didn’t know what to do, where to go. The day came; it was like an awakening. I had to do more to feel better to become that person who used to enjoy life again.
I took a long look at my life; I looked at books that I had written, but had not yet published. I pulled out the journals that I kept, and I began to look them over. I looked over the things that I wrote that inspired me; they awakened me. I felt a pang of hope, which made me grab onto faith to know that this too shall pass. I always said that but without really feeling it, but that time I did. I was starting over, and I wanted to live genuinely live.
I knew that I had to work on my mind, body, and soul to beat depression and anxiety. I love to read, so what better way to research the different methods used for healing. I went back to some of the information that my brothers had forwarded to me over the years to help me in their way, and none of the information they gave me included prescription drugs. I researched the different methods, and my daughter had started meditating, using affirmations. It was as if I opened up completely.
I remembered when I used to teach her about those very things and spirituality, how to use them for strength and guidance. This method may not work for all, but I can say that it has helped me. I am saying that it’s essential to find that niche, get the help you need, don’t wait years in between, and don’t stop completely. My way may not be the way to go. Talk to your doctor, let them help you or your therapist help you, or do your research and find what works for you.
There were times when I regretted that I waited for so long to figure things out, to find the road that I had started on years ago but somehow made the wrong turn, but that is all behind me now. I released it all; there was no sense in dwelling on what could have been; I can only focus on the now and what I am doing every day to heal.
There is no magic pill or some quick fix; beating D&A is an everyday fight. Not every day will be a good day, and not every day is going to be a bad day; that’s just impossible, and that’s a part of life; it’s all in how we handle it. I deserved to be happy; I deserved to be able to think clearly. I found my strength, which gave me the push that I needed to begin my healing journey.
My transition to healing and taking back my life started with my faith in God/Universe, Angels, and the strength from my Ancestors. I believe in prayers, and I know that it changes things in many ways. I do not believe in organized religion, and I’m not saying anything is wrong with it; it’s just an area that I no longer believe in; if it helps you, then more power to you.
The path I took led me to Reiki and stone healing, which helped open my chakras because I was blocked and unaligned in turn, my emotional and physical state was being affected. For those unfamiliar with Reiki, Stone healing, and Chakras, I will explain it briefly, and then you can do your research if you would like to go more in-depth.
Reiki is the exchange of energy from one person to another, the practitioner and the patient. The energy is transferred through the practitioner’s palms over a specific part of the body to open up emotional and physical healing.
Stone healing is the placement of certain crystals such as quartz, agate, amethyst, and opals on different body parts to build an energy grid surrounding the person with healing energy.
Chakras are seven energy points in the body that should remain open and aligned; they begin at the base of your spine; to the crown of your head. If blocked, there is a tendency to experience physical and emotional symptoms for that particular Chakra.
My mornings start very early before my feet hit the floor. I give thanks for life and for all that I have. I meditate for half an hour while listening to Binaural Frequencies, also called sound healing, which helps me feel positive and helps me build inner strength. Most mornings, I exercise; I do stretches or walk to get the blood flowing; I do it daily, even if it is just a few minutes of movement. Exercising builds Serotonin which helps with our mood and sense of happiness.
I journal, and sometimes I find myself writing for over an hour. My morning journaling consists of giving thanks, showing gratitude, giving self-love, and motivation. Sometimes the only thing that I may write is Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I try my best to complete my journaling early in the mornings, but there are days when I cannot and will do it later that day. I can truthfully say that I do not feel complete without taking these steps to start my day, but I will take the time to do it before the day ends. Journaling and writing my affirmations every day to me is my antenna from me to God.
Spending time in nature is another part of my healing process and has quickly become a part of my daily routine. I enjoy going to the park or sitting out in the backyard; they are both perfect for me to ground myself. I walk in the grass barefoot and lay under the Sun. It’s hard trying to convince a one and four-year-old to lie down and be still for only a few minutes, but I try to make it fun. Grounding helps when the heaviness starts to creep in, also improves my sleep, and reduces stress. One grounding technique that I practice is picturing myself as a tree with its roots embedded deep within the Earth; my branches are swaying in the wind as they sway every negative feeling, and every negative thought is blowing away.
The beach is very therapeutic for me, when I go, it’s in the evenings when it’s not so crowded and not too hot. I sit in the sand and inhale the fresh ocean scent with my eyes closed while I focus on the sound of the waves. It only takes a few minutes for me to feel renewed and light. I can feel the stress and the heaviness being taken away by the outgoing waves. It’s also one of my favorite places to journal. My Grandsons enjoy it too, so it’s a plus for all of us.
Another form of therapy for me is listening to music and dancing. I play music and dance with the kids. We listen to all kinds of music; however, I mainly play Bahamian music on Sundays, especially the songs that my Grandmother enjoyed dancing to when she was alive. We listen to music every day, but Sunday is the primary day for our dancing. I love watching them dance and having fun; making them happy makes me happy.
Our food intake also contributes to depression and anxiety. Processed, bleached, fatty, and sugar foods are a factor. I pushed myself to snack with healthy foods like fruits, nuts, smoothies, cheese and increased my water intake. We cook more at home now and try to avoid the fast-food lines. It is very hard not to pull into a drive-through when I work all day or head home late from my son’s practice or football games. I am more conscientious of my cravings, and I can feel the difference mentally and physically since I have cut back the intake of those types of food. It is tough to give up the food that brings me joy and comfort; I still treat myself to a little, ok some days more than a little. Bad habits are hard to break. Eating clean also boosts the mood area; I look forward to when it’s no longer challenging.
With the mind fog clearing up, I am open to all the beauty inside and around me. There is so much to be grateful for; the simple things such as the color of the sky, watching the birds fly, admiring the butterflies, admiring the power of the moonlight, watching the rainfall. I appreciate them all, and it’s not that I never did; I took for granted that they existed. We are all guilty of that, and being grateful is a significant part of my healing.
I felt lost for a very long time; I knew that it had to be more than this. My light was dim, I thought that the darkness was terrible for so long because I am brainwashed like everyone else to believe that anything dark is awful, and because of that, I used to question why I was placed here on this Earth. I realized that I had to experience the darkness such as hardship, heartache, mental and emotional breakdowns to find who I am. A butterfly lives in a dark chrysalis for days before it can spread its beautiful wings. We, humans, live in the darkness of our mother’s womb for nine months, growing and developing before we can enter into this world. The Earth has to experience the night before the Sun can rise and shine its beautiful light. That’s why I know that the darkness prepared me to be so much more than this temporary shell that I borrowed.
Healing does not happen overnight; it takes time; it’s a lifetime project, but I wanted it to happen yesterday because I am human. I have fantastic days, and then it’s like someone presses the reset button on me. The great thing is that I do not give up; I keep fighting, take it one day at a time, and try to make the day better than it was the day before. I will no longer allow Depression and Anxiety to drain me and dictate how my day, my week will go. I only focus on the good in my life, and if those old feelings try to push through, I block it by thinking of things that make me feel good. I believe it, feel and speak it.
Depression and anxiety occur for many different reasons, whether it came about by trauma, a loss, illness, and this is why everyone’s path to healing is different. I found mine, and in no way, shape or form am I saying that my method is the best way because many people will not function without medication or regular therapy. Find your path; it may change a few times but do not give up on yourself and If your blessings include a support system as your family or friends talk to them, let them help you figure out which way to turn. If you are alone, without access to a PCP, then reach out to a few hotlines; they will be able to guide you in the right direction for help. There are support groups you can join, and believe it or not, they tend to be more supportive, understanding, and patient than the people in your everyday circle.
Have I found some miraculous cure for depression and anxiety? Am I happy every day? The answer is no; I have not found a cure, I still struggle with it, and no, I am not happy every day, but I am, most days, much more than I have been. I have more clarity, no more mind fog, I can think more clearly, I trust myself, and I’m no longer afraid to exist. I have released all the guilt and shame I had towards mental illness. I know my worth, and I am worthy of a beautiful life, and that is why I keep fighting.
No matter what has happened to you, no matter the circumstances, you have the power to change your life. Bring your pain and suffering to the surface and see it in a new light; release everything blocking you from being that divine child of God and from creating the life you want. Invest in yourself, keep fighting, meditate, research the different treatments, eat healthy food, drink more water, spend time in nature and get sufficient rest. Do not let depression and anxiety define who you are. You are the greatest gift to yourself, your self-transformation. Love yourself enough to keep on until you find that path that is yours to take. You are worthy of the best in life; allow yourself to accept it.
thedarknessthatrunswithinher 