I am ready to take a deep breath; I am so tired of holding it inside so tight that I cannot breath, I cannot see without the blurry cast, I cannot think clearly without fighting through the thick fog, I cannot feel anything other than the darkness that has been a part of me for many years. I believe that I may have fallen in love with it.

My head swarms with so many things that I cannot decipher; so many sleepless nights with my mind constantly at work; so many days of feeling drained which leads to my undecidedness, my crankiness and always being on edge. I never know which way to go, I do not know what is real, or if it is just my mind playing tricks on me.

I can barely recall what my life was like before it took the wheel, that’s how long it’s been a part of me. I wonder how long I have been feeling inadequate and insufficient; It’s no need to go back that far.

I am ready to be free… to feel light, to be able to decide without overthinking, without worrying if it’s right or wrong. I want to welcome sleep, but not as a way to escape, but the way that it should be; to rest my, mind, body and soul.

I want to love without always questioning if it’s what I want, I want to stop hurting and pushing others away. Most of all I want to love myself unconditionally; I want to feel that deep self-love that shows my strength, that touches my soul. I want that self-love that oozes of the love that the Universe has for me. I want to awaken the love in others.

I try to smile every day and try my best to push away the dark cloud shrouding my mind and my heart. I often wonder what it would feel like to slice a razor into my arms or on any part of my body to relieve the pain…crazy, isn’t it? using pain to relieve pain? and then again maybe it’s not so crazy.

Just the thought of being in a crowd makes my heart race, my mind gets cloudy, my head starts to hurt, I can barely breathe. I want to stay in bed all day with the covers thrown over my head so that I cannot see the ray of light coming through. I think about the silence that I long for and just being alone; as my mind race from here to there, then finally deciding that sleep was the best solution, to not feel…to not think.

People like me, You hardly see; We do not go out a lot; You’re upset that we’re not calling as much or not at all. You may have called once or twice and got mad that your call was not returned; Sorry that you took it personally. Do you know the type of strength it takes to wake up every day? Do you know what it takes to get up to get dressed to leave the house? I hope that you never experience this agony.

I said that you hardly see us because you choose not to, you would rather not deal with your friend or family member with mental health problems. Yes, I said the words and I did not cringe. Mental Health!

We are all superficial, we would rather pretend that all is well and that our friendships and family life are so perfect. We pretend to have a certain status in the eyes of people who do not give a damn about us or our problems, but that’s how it is. People only want to gossip and sweep their shit under the rug.

Have I embraced it? The sadness and the darkness? Have I become one with them? It feels natural to always feel this way, so it’s hard to look at myself differently and to see myself as I once was many moons ago.

I am constantly fighting to remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for; I should not have to and It’s not that I do not see it, because they are here with me, it’s just my brain doesn’t seem to know that I am supposed to be happy. There are many times… more than I can count actually, that I want to give up, but I cannot and I will not.

I have been fighting depression and anxiety for many years and the fight continues. I have to remember to think and feel positive. It’s not an easy task, I want it to come naturally, but it does not.

Hey, Friend…Family, did you stop to think that maybe something is seriously going on? It’s not all about you. I know that you may find that hard believe, but yeah…

Have you tried reaching out before something drastic occurs? After a tragedy is when people usually start to pay attention and stop ignoring what is in front of them and then everything goes back to normal after that tragedy is no longer trending.

This is real, we’re not just having a bad day, and please do not tell us to cheer up!

depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #suicidethoughts #support #sadness #darkness #loveyourself #beyourself #help #bethere